• Want to read some poems?
• Interested in the social habits of crows?
• Need some strategies to help you cope with winter?

Lorraine Johnston's Top 10 Cancer Country Music Songs (You may not "get" all of these unless you've lived through the chemo experience first-hand.)

10. "Adria, You Broke My Heart. Now My HMO is Selling Me for Parts" (Adriamycin is a chemo drug that can be hard on the heart.)

9. "The Dog Gets the Cat Scan Next Time"

8. "Prednisone, Prozac and Pain" (in 4/4 time with demi-semi-quaver) (Prednisone is a chemo drug commonly used for many types of cancer and other diseases.)

7. "Is That Tingle Your Love, or Vincristine, Christine?" (Vincristine is a chemo drug that can make your fingers and toes uncomfortable and tingley.)

6. "No Money in My Pocket; My Truck I Had to Hock It"

5. "You Stuck Me, Nurse Needles. Now I'm Stuck on You"

4. "Ain't Nobody's Gonna Want this Body When ARA-C Gets Done With Me" (ARA-C is a chemo regimen for bone marrow transplants.)

3. "Don't Dig the Grave Yet -- I'm Too Tired to Die"

2. "I Wanted His Heart But I Needed His Blood"

... and the number one cancer country music song is ...

1. "Momma's Down-Home Cookin' Comes Right Back Up"

Copyright Lorraine Johnston 1997 - reproduced with permission

(To be ADDED to the Joke of the Day distribution list, send SUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org; To be REMOVED from the Joke of the Day distribution list, send UNSUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org.)

Artery - The Study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to the cafeteria
Barium - What you do when CPR fails
Benign - What you be after you be eight
Bowel - A letter like A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y
Caesarean Section - A neighborhood near Rome
Cat Scan - Searching for Kitty
Cat Scan - What dogs do when they enter your yard
Cauterize - Made eye contact with the nurse
Colic - A Sheep Dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Congenital - Friendly
D&C - Where Washington is located
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
GI Series - Baseball between teams of soldiers
Grippe - A Suitcase
Hangnail - A coat hook
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrate - Cheaper than the day rate
Node - Was aware of
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Cousin to Elvis
Post-operative - A letter carrier
Protein - In favor of young people
Recovery Room - Where you have your upholstery done
Rectum - Darn near killed him
Rheumatic Fever - Amorous feeling
Secretion - Hiding anything
Seizure - A Roman emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal Illness - Sick at the airport
Tibia - North African country
Tumor - An extra pair
Urine - Opposite of you're out
Varicose Veins - Veins which are very close together

I participate in an internet mailing list for folks dealing with Hodgkin's Disease. Around the time my relapse was first suspected, several other participants on the mailing list were also relapsing. This is highly unusual. A lot of time normally passes between relapses among list participants. One particularly humourous and supportive list member, Paul Honsinger, wrote a very amusing piece, and he posted it to the list amidst bursts of laughter and smiles. Paul is a lawyer as well as a Hodgkin's survivor, so his experiences made him uniquely qualified to write what appears below (a copy of what he posted to the list).

Subject: Notice of Excessive Relapses

[Letterhead of Hunter, Moreno, O'Dowd & Moreno]

December 17, 1997

Dear Hodgkin's Disease List Members,

I am the attorney for the Joint Commission for the Allocation of Hodgkin's Disease Relapse Incidents ("JCAHDRI") and am writing to your regarding a serious infraction of JCAHDRI regulations.

As you are, no doubt, aware, under Chapter XCLVIX, Title 43, Part 173, Section 42.25(Q)(3)(a)(iii) of the JCAHDRI Governing Policies, each Hodgkin's Disease related organization receives an annual quota of permissible relapses (the Relapse Allocation Assessment or RAA) calculated by applying the formula found in Section 187.25(G)(17)(z)(xxviii) of the same part. We have monitored your list for reports of relapses and have submitted those reports to our accountants (we use two separate big six firms, Deloitte & Touche and Price Waterhouse). While these firms have derived different numbers for the number of relapses your listmembers are allowed for the Fourth Quarter of 1997, your list is in excess of even the higher of those numbers.

These violations are particularly egregious in light of their timing. Since these incidents were reported between the fourth week in November and January 1, they are subject to the Traditional Judeo-Christian Holiday Proximity Incident Surcharge Factor, in which the number of relapse incidents occurring between the indicated dates is multiplied by 1.75. As a result, you have not only consumed your organization's RAA for the Fourth Quarter of 1997, but have already used your entire RAA for the First Quarter of 1998.

Therefore, JCAHDRI, in accordance with its rules and polices, provides you with this official Notice of Excessive Relapses.

Accordingly, and to avoid the severe discipline JCAHDRI can inflict, you are directed to cease all relapse activities at once and are hereby notified that no more relapses are permissible until March 31, 1998. If your list members continue to relapse in violation of these rules, you face many possible sanctions (as set forth in Chapter MCMXCVIX, Title 476, Part 211, Section 210.85(P)(3)(zz)(xix)), including, without limitation, (1) having random list members subjected to unanesthetized bone marrow biopsies while drinking unflavored Barium CT contrast solution or (2) being forced to listen to an audio recording of Kevin Costner giving a "dramatic reading" from the victim's choice of the Internal Revenue Code or the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure.

You are further directed to respond to this letter within thirty days certifying, in writing (signed by a majority of list members, with each signature executed before a Notary Public, two witnesses, and a certified Chemo Nurse or Radiotherapy Technician, none of whom may be a blood relative within the second degree, spouse, or co-habitant of the signer) that the list members will cease unauthorized relapse activities forthwith. Failure to so respond, or the further occurrence of the above-described unauthorized, unlawful, and ultra-vires relapses, will result in this organization taking legal action against you without further notice.

The most direct and effective way to bring your organization back into compliance is for those relapsing list members to return to Complete Remission Status within one year of their relapses. In that event, their relapses are retroactively expunged and are subtracted from the RAA as though they never took place. I strongly suggest that you direct the relapsed list members to achieve remission as soon as possible. If you wish, I would be happy to write to each such relapsing list member ordering them on behalf of the JCAHDRI to remove the HD from their lymphatic systems and other organs forthwith and return to remission immediately.

You are advised to take this letter to your attorney. You are further advised that you ignore this notice at your peril.

On behalf of JCAHDRI, please accept my heartfelt wish that your organization will bring itself back into compliance with applicable rules and that the Hodgkin's List and JCAHDRI can resume the amicable and productive relationship they have enjoyed heretofore.

Sincerely,

[original signed by H. Paul Honsinger]

H. Paul Honsinger
Attorney at Law

Copyright Paul Honsinger 1997 - reproduced with permission

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